Assignment #13: Noah Ford

People who talk incessantly need to be silenced. We need to have a system in place so that we can report ramblers. My system is a three strikes and you're out process to lower stress and keep the world going smoothly. Scientists say that chit-chatters actually reduce moral by 75% and lower working efficiency by 50%. Imagine someone waits for you everyday at work and then keeps talking to you from the time you arrive to the time you leave. Take John Smith for example; he told me about a certain coworker that prevented four people from working due to the non-stop interruptions. Humans can't multitask, but that coworker sure tried his hardest to make that a false statement. Eventually, Smith gave up and told his boss, but the damage was already done. The company had lost too much money and had to close down. See, this is what happens when we let people just babble.

So, I propose that we give a chit-chatter three strikes before punishment. After three strikes, the compulsive rambling individual (CRI) will be detained for a period of one week, during which they will be put into solitary confinement and subjected to a one-tone, constant, white noise. The objective is to make them understand what people are subjected to by them. I've been assured by one Dr. Doofenshmirtz this will cause about 25% of CRIs to cease their annoying behaviour and become productive members of society. But that means 75% of CRIs are left. 

This is where it gets slightly morally shaky. Doofenshmirtz also assured me that this will cause 50% of the starting CRIs to cease. I propose that we place CRIs with 6 strikes into a room and then shock their brains and make these ramblers lose what is left of their already feeble ability to stop themselves from talking. We then place the delinquents into a room with a bright flashlight set to strobe, and then we tell the pests that in order to make the flashlight stop, they need to stop talking. Scientifically, the strobe light will brainwash the talker into thinking they need to stop talking. Once the brainwashing sets in, we give the redeemed a special shirt they are forced to wear in public, and it lets people know that a strobe light will stop their rambling. This would require the government giving every member of society a strobe flashlight, but that cost would be more than covered by the increase in work efficiency that would result from the lack of CRI's.

Finally, that remaining 25%. this is more costly by far than either of the beginning solutions. I propose that we set up a mass of land that contains everything needed for a modern civilization but it is entirely disconnected from the outside world. When a CRI reaches 9 strikes they are moved to this new country. These new CRI's will be delivered on the first of every month. I have already been assured support by 12 countries, and I plan to submit the entire plan at the next United Nations meeting. I believe that we can conquer chatterboxes and finally get the peace and quiet we deserve!